Taking Control When Someone Else Made Decisions For You
Reclaiming control over small things gives you back some power.
There’s a kind of anger and anxiety you face when you feel powerless—especially when life takes a sharp turn, not by your choices, but by someone else’s. Choices made because they had conversations you were not privy to, with someone you didn’t know-and that someone had been entrusted with the preciousness of your life, and of your children’s lives.
When I went through divorce due to the infidelity of my husband, it wasn’t just the loss of a relationship. It was the loss of the plans, the dreams, and the future I had imagined, planned for, dreamed of, counted on.
Betrayal trauma needs to be understood in our culture. It isn’t about someone hurting your feelings. It’s about your sense of security and well-being being shattered. Shattered-let that sink in.
Betrayal trauma occurs when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival significantly violate that person’s trust or well-being. Jennifer Freyd, PhD., Professor Emeritus, University of Chicago*
In that space of trauma, we experience loss, grief, and confusion. We feel like we've lost control of our lives, because most often we have.
I came to understand: you can reclaim control.
The feeling of being in control doesn’t come quickly or easily. It doesn’t always accompany the action or decision you’re taking to be in control. Often the feeling of having some control comes along at what seems like a snail’s pace and in spits and spurts, not overtaking the feelings of powerlessness, but barely nudging a way into the fray of it.
You can't rewrite someone else's choices. But you can choose how to respond, not to them but to yourself.
Quit choosing based on their response or lack thereof. Choose based on how you will respond to the choice.
Will this choice lead to a response of healing?
Will this choice lead to a response of my own inner freedom?
Will this choice lead to a response of guilt, shame or any other unwanted consequence?
Will this choice lead to forward progress, no matter how small it feels?
This is anything but easy for most Christian women of a certain age who have made a lifetime of choices based on how a husband or the children or the church would respond.
Take control wherever you can with grace and patience and the support of those who love you.
Reclaiming control doesn’t mean forcing life back into a box or pretending everything is fine. It means pausing to breathe, taking one small step forward, and honoring your own voice—maybe for the first time in a long time.
It’s self-care. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s a holy act of restoration. When we make room to rest, to heal, to nourish our bodies and souls, we are taking control.
*Jennifer Freyed: What is Betrayal Trauma?
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This was an impactful statement for me. Thank you for sharing your journey.
"You can't rewrite someone else's choices. But you can choose how to respond, not to them but to yourself."